Choose Your Support Wisely

~ Holding you close,
my heart whispered to yours,
"I'll help you thru this.
I am with you.
You are not alone. ~

- Terri St. Cloud

The Little Mermaid

Are you Facing, Experiencing, or Recovering from Break-up, Divorce, Loss, or Other Life-Changing Events?




You don't have to go it alone, but do choose your support wisely.

As the communal creatures we humans are, we are needy of each other, of support, compassion, love and companionship.  Especially when going through tough times, facing painful change, in conflict, in the process of divorce, or experiencing significant loss, we tend to feel scared and oh so alone.

Reaching out for support is a natural reaction to life-changing events.

And it is just as natural a reaction, when someone we care about reaches out to us, to want to protect that dear person and make him or her feel better.

The protection, however, unless you are in imminent danger, can prove to simply add fuel to the fire, and in a desperate attempt to make you feel better or "fix" your situation with unsolicited advice and suggestions, your support person may end up telling you all the "wrong" things, only to render you feeling even more scared and alone.

When you are in a situation of loss due to conflict, break-up or bereavement you need an ear, a person to whom to vent, a shoulder on which to cry.  But have you noticed how you end up with a bad taste in your mouth feeling even more victimized and adversarial when your support person jumps into the soup with you and starts criticizing, or even worse - defending - your adversary or soon-to-be ex-spouse?

When my son's dad and I were enmeshed in child custody litigation, being fairly new to my local community, I had only a couple of confidants.  My family are all in Denmark, so... no physical hugs from them.  However, to my good fortune, my few friends did have compassionate hearts, broad shoulders and neutral ears.  Such friends and family members are scarce.  And the thought of outstaying your welcome with them can be so terrifying that oftentimes you would rather keep your sorrow, fear and anger to yourself.

Next time you confide in someone, try and notice how your body responds to their reaction.  I know I have chosen the right support when I feel expansion and warmth in my heart area.  On the other hand, when I feel tension in my solar plexus, my upper chest and throat, I know I am barking up the wrong tree, and unless I want to feel even more victimized and stuck in my story, I had better change the subject quickly.

Where in your body do you feel the warning signs?  Do you allow yourself to feel people's compassion as the pure heart-to-heart connection it is?

It is a rare feeling, as people's compassion is often clouded by their individual filters, personal projection, their need to protect themselves, and their conditioning and beliefs.

In former times, communities had elders, who, with their life wisdom and medicine, could give people that non-judgmental, loving compassion and support.  Our modern-time elders seem to have been bereaved of that honor, often living in isolated communities or preoccupied with defeating age.

It is the lack of those elders committed to peace, resolution and harmony within communities that makes mediation and life coaching such increasingly sought after services in our culture today.

Who is your elder?  To whom do you go for that committed, unconditional, non-judgmental support?

Remember... You don't have to got it alone, but do choose your support wisely.

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